


Your Phaser Is Problematic

by Scottei



Category: CeVIO, Star Trek, UTAU, Vocaloid
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Andorian!Tei, Bajoran!IA and ONE, Crack, F/F, Gen, Kobliad!Kagamines, M/M, Water Nymph Alien!Miku
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 07:38:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5658073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scottei/pseuds/Scottei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The year is sometime in the future. Captain Gakupo leads a spaceship into space and does space things. Unfortunately, lots of space things pop up, and sometimes that's good, and sometimes that's bad.</p><p>Apologies to all space-related fandoms.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Something Something Star Trek

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Star Trek Cross-over? Really?](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/167521) by Anonymous. 



> Author is not a trekkie. This started as an inside joke and will likely make no sense and be extremely cringeworthy to anybody not in on the jokes. Sorry in advance.
> 
> Please note that this work is a sequeal to a work which has not been made public. So the setting and characters make even less sense than they did to those who read the first part.

"Jim! Gakupo! Fuck!"

A speedy, silver-haired Andorian dashes onto the bridge, displacing enough air to nearly roll the round-bottomed Ensign off the Captain's lap. As with all doctors, she is remarkable fit and capable of running.

The Captain sighs whilst putting an arm out to fence in the mobile tush, eyebrows already getting to work giving the ship's doctor a weary look.

"Whatever you do, do not listen to what the fucking banjo says," announces Tei.

"Bajoran," corrects Chief Tactical Officer IA, coming onto the bridge looking somewhat more out-of-breath than Tei. "Don't you try lying to Gakupo."

"/Captain/," the Captain sighs. "Captain Gakupo."

"Even though I hate you," IA enunciates in a unique way worthy of a better verb than "says", "You ought to know Tei--"

"Solved a problem with a replicator," the Andorian butts in.

The Ensign upon the Captain's lap gives a gentle whine, feeling rather overwhelmed, although impressed that Tei managed to make an entire sentence without a swear word. He is less impressed when he realizes it is actually a fragment; without the subject, it is merely a clause. Or perhaps a predicate.

"Actually, you caused the problem with the replicator."

"Actually, it was already faulty."

"Actually, it wasn't."

"Actually, it's about ethics in games journalism."

The gradual crescendo of Ensign Kaito's whining has reached a level adequate to spur the Captain into action.

"Chief Tactical Officer, if you may speak first."

"Damn right I will," IA responds, sticking her tongue out at the ship's doctor. "In gross violation of protocol, Tei and the nymph we picked up on Planet Hentai were mating on--"

"Doing science!" corrects the doctor.

"--the countertop where we happen to have the Smart Replomatic 2k16 right next to the coffeemaker. Their furious lovemaking--"

"Passionate cross-species diplomacy!"

"--knocked the replicator onto the floor, causing it to become completely nonfunctional, and--"

"Slightly less functional than before!"

"--instead of asking engineering to handle it, Tei proceeded to attempt to repair the machine herself, whilst still fondling--"

"Studying!"

"--the nymph. When I finally spoke up and suggested she make love--"

"Science!"

"--elsewhere, she told me in no uncertain terms to fuck off, and then…"

The rest of the Bajoran's story is lost under the noise of Kaito's screaming. Only after furious headpatting from the Captain can anybody be heard, by which time, he reasoned he had heard enough from IA.

"Tei, is this story true?"

"She left out the part about me fixing the fucking thing! Now it replicates food AND reflects phase pulses!"

"I didn't get to the part in which you beat up the engineer who tried to help," IA hisses.

"Any-fucking-way," Tei says with a dismissive wave, "I found out something interesting about Meekoo."

Having just about reached his limit with these two, the long-suffering Captain pinches the bridge of his nose, hoping this will be quick. The Ensign comes to his rescue, gently nuzzling against Gakupo's arm.

"It turns out she is, as she claimed, a puddle princess. She's capable of hydrokinesis."

"Yeah, so?" scoffs Commander Rin, who also happens to be sick of the andorian having this much screentime.

"She's capable of terraforming!"

The crew offers no response whatsoever. Not a single shit was given within 10 parsecs.

"...and knows how to make vegetable juice."

The entire ship of Vocaloids goes fuckin' crazy.


	2. It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

The problem with space travel is that space is really fucking big. For the Captain and the Ensign spending time together in a private room sharing their dreams with each other, this is a blessing. To most everybody else, it's boring, even tedious.

Commander Rin is peacefully playing with one of those ball-tied-to-a-paddle-things, and thus does not deserve a beanbag to be thrown in her face. Alas, that is precisely what she gets.

"30 points!" cries IA as she picks up the beanbag. "Right between the eyes."

"Are you running around the ship pelting people with beanbags?" asks Rin, as if it weren't obvious.

"Duh."

Meanwhile, a certain nymph explores the ship, each step leaving a small puddle of water behind her. In a few hours, this would cause a costly lawsuit due to the lack of CAUTION: WET FLOOR/PISO MOJADO signs. But for now, she is blissfully unaware of the danger she poses.

Her journey soon leads her to the Captain's quarters. Although tempted to scream "I AM PUDDLE PRINCESS," she instead turns to water and lowkey slips under the door. All nymphs can do that. It's canon. Yep.

Not noticing the puddle by the door, the two lovers stare into each other's eyes, lost in their gazes.

"Kaito," Gakupo breathes so sexily his hands increase in size as they shift into proper yaoi hands.

"Hi," the plump-butted Ensign responds, not picking up on the vibe at all, nor noticing Gakupo's sudden anatomy changes.

"What will we tell the others?" The purple-haired samurai sighs with only 20% as much sexy as before.

"Can't we tell them to truth?" The human's naïve vibes are strong enough to jiggle Miku.

"We can't tell our crew that the Captain impregnated an Ensign via immaculate conception."

"Maybe..." Kaito gives a small whimper mid-sentence. "...maybe Doctor Tei can explain?"

Said doctor is presently taking a post-coital nap, drooling in her sleep. Were it not for loud knocking upon the door, or maybe the wall if Star Trek doesn't have doors in the traditional sense, it'd be a lot easier to sleep.

Eventually, she does awaken in spite of her exhaustion, barely having time to cover herself with a bedsheets before IA kicks down her door/holodoor/future door/whatever.

"Wha...?" The groggy Andorian groans, not even awake enough to raise her antennae.

"15 points!" IA shouts as she pelts her with a beanbag.


	3. Lost At Sea, Cuz Space Is Basically A Sea, A Dry Sea, With No Air And It Will Kill You Quicker

As she stands, a shooting pain hits the somethingian's equivalent of a front lobe like a to hammer. With a deep sigh, she once more sits down, finding it to be safer than risking a dizzy fall.

"The bastard likely didn't even mention me by name," the minor character hisses.

This was not the only way in which the woman had been wronged. Due to being out with injuries, she completely missed her opportunity to indulge in vegetable juice.

A new sensation strikes her head, but it is not one of pain. Rather, it is inspiration.

A small smile creeps across Gumi's face as she crawls towards the delicate fiddly bits of the very important thing.

"Let's see what happens..."

Doubtlessly, if what happened would be bad, she'd blame it on the same person who beat her up when she tried to help them fix a replicator.


End file.
